Psycho Alert!
by misskiana
Summary: Just an idiotic story about the characters of twilight. It's amusing and I'll develop the plot later...This is just for fun and laughs. Review please! Rated M for drug content. P.S. It may not be wise to read during school!completely OOC
1. Shrooms

**Warning: If you are not a fan of things idiotic, moronic, or just plain psychotic, this is not the story for you!**

**Hi…okay well I was reading fanfics one day when I thought "Hey, I'm a psychotic, practically insane person. Everyone else has a idiotic/psychotic fic so I should have one too!" I mean it's only fair and it can't be good to keep this all in right? Right. Well, reviews and reviewers make me happy. )**

**Disclaimer: I do not own these characters and I really mean no disrespect by making this. I love Stephenie Meyer and her work so…there!**

**By the way, I changed my name from Ceana Sorcha to emotional-dreamer. So yeah, I'm the same person. I think it fits though, right?**

!Alice Cullen!

"Edward! Bella! Come here! You seriously have to try this!" They walked into the room and I showed them my "magic mushroom" stash. "I bought this from that one girl…Jessica Stanley…at school today! Now does anyone know how to do this?"

The shock that appeared on their faces was **gold!** Pure gold! Baby, I want to fly so high!

After another moment of waiting, I just decided to screw it and shoved a bunch of mushrooms up my nose. Then I started giggling manically. Bella followed suit but Edward (Mr. Party-Pooper) kept trying to ruin our fun.

"Aw…Edward, don't ruin the fun! You're being a very bad boy!" I whispered seductively into his ear as I pulled off my clothes to reveal my newest lingerie that came with all sorts of fun "toys".

Edward started backing away from me as I advanced on him but the sound of crying stopped me. It was Bella sobbing.

"Edward! How could you cheat on me like that! That's like incest of something! You sick man! Especially after I told Jacob to wait a few hours before seeing me…Oh whoops, did I just say that?" Here she erupts in a fit of giggles.

"Jacob?" That was Edward's confused voice.

More giggles escaped Bella. "I am NOT sleeping with Jacob Black!"

Now I started giggling, Bella had always been a horrible liar…

When I noticed Edward's scowl, I put my face close to his and whispered seductively, "Aw…Edward; it's okay. Alice will make it all better. Don't worry."

I would've continued, but my husband…what was his name again? Alex? Trevor? No…Matt? No…oh yeah, Jarrod! Of course. I was interrupted by my husband, Jarrod, running up the stairs.

He burst into the room and Edward tried to explain by saying, "Um…I can explain. Her clothes…uh…" Jarrod just brushed past him to where I was kneeling, now in a nun costume.

"Jarrod, honey, could you keep it down? I'm trying to get some spiritual guidance here…"

He said, "Of course", and turned away mumbling something about my religious habits and the name Jarrod. Well, at least I'm not instant-messaging Jesus and asking for spiritual guidance anymore. Now _that_ was a long story…

As I surveyed the room, I grinned in amusement and triumph. Edward was angry and confused. Jarrod, my husband, was playing solitaire and drinking blood out of his little sippy-cup. Bella just revealed that she's a slut. And me? Well I'm the only normal one here don't you think? ((wink, wink))

Oh, what a tangled web we weave!

**Haha, I thoroughly enjoyed writing that. Probably more than I should've…((giggles)) Until next time where I'll have Rosalie teach you about Crystal Meth and other stuff…Haha…Well I hope you're having fun. I'll develop a plot later, just let me get this out of my system for now. Review please!**


	2. High and Horny

**Ooh, I don't want freaky teenage werewolves coming after me so I better update huh? Carbon, you made me laugh. I'm glad you like this. This story's sole purpose is to amuse people and I'm happy it's doing its job. If it wasn't, I'd have to kill it. You know, rip it to shreds then burn it. Oh wait…its not a vampire. Oh well…I wish I was a vampire. Well anyways, thanks to all of you who reviewed and thanks to one of my closest friends and my hero for teaching me about crystal meth. You rock! **

**Disclaimer: This is not made to offend anybody and I know Stephenie Meyer owns these characters. I also know that it is impossible for vampires to get drunk or high but don't ruin my fun!**

!Rosalie Hale!

"Rose, sweetie, I got our new stash," Emmett called out to me from our closet.

"Oh really?" I said, my eyes lighting up with excitement. "What did you get me?"

"Crystal Meth for you and Viagra for me."

"Oh, this is going to be fun!" Now I was really excited.

"Now, on the count of three we'll take them. One, two…three!" Emmett swallowed his pill while I snorted my crystal meth. It was a white/yellowish powder. Mostly white if you get the good stuff. (Of course we did.)

"Baby, come here! I need you so bad!" Emmett beckoned to me from the bed now that he had finally made his way out of the closet.

"No! I want to sit here. So much time is passing…"

"I need to feel you!" he whined.

_Two minutes later…_

"Wow, babe, how much time passed? Three hours? Six hours? A day? I never realized how fast time could pass…"

"Rosalie! GET THE FUCK OVER HERE! I'M SO HORNY…GOD…" he was yelling now. I never realized how demanding he could be.

"OH MY GOD, EMMETT! OH MY GOD! WE HAVE A FUCKING CRISIS! AND IT ISN'T HOW FREAKING HORNY YOU ARE, IT'S ABOUT SOMETHING MORE IMPORTANT; BIGGER THAN YOU," I shrieked. "IT'S ABOUT ME!"

"Honey, what's wrong?"

"IT'S MY FUCKING FACE! I HAVE ZITS! NOOO! WHY? WHY? MY FACE IS HIDEOUS! HOW DARE YOU LET ME GO OUT IN PUBLIC. WHY?" I was hysterical now.

"Rose, sweetie, you look perfect like you always do. Your face is not breaking out," he huffed, obviously upset that he wasn't getting any action.

"STOP LYING TO ME! THAT'S ALL YOU EVER DO! FIRST YOU SLEEP WITH ALICE AND THEN YOU LEAVE ME FOR JASPER AND NOW YOU'RE SCREWING BELLA BEHIND MY BACK! IT'S BECAUSE OF MY FACE ISN'T IT? I KNEW IT! I'M NOT PRETTY ENOUGH FOR YOU…"

"Crap…" he whispered, "I thought she didn't know about me and Jasper…"

"OF COURSE I KNEW!" I thundered. I was pissed now! "YOU KEPT TRYING TO CONVINCE JASPER TO LEAVE ALICE! YOU WEREN'T PAYING ENOUGH ATTENTION TO ME. YOU DON'T LOVE ME!"

I was sobbing tearlessly now. "Rose, sweetie, you know that's not true. I do love you. I was…I was just curious!"

"THEN WHY WON'T YOU HELP ME?"

"Okay, how about this? I'll help you pop all of those nasty zits and you help me satisfy my…er…desires."

"FINE!"

He walked up to me and began helping me, obviously eager and pleased by this compromise. Amazingly, the zits were popping faster than I could tell. Even faster than the usual vampire speed. Wow. This stuff was amazing!

After we were done, I did my half of the compromise. Emmett was pleased. I, however, was not when he moaned that slut's name. "_Bella…"_ he had moaned.

"WHAT?" I shrieked as I heard Edward's loud growl coming from down the hallway.

"I mean…_Rosalie…"_ he said pathetically, trying to cover it up.

I sat up and threw one of my silk robes as Edward slammed open the door to our room. "What did you say?" he said in a low, menacing voice.

"I do NOT sleep with Bella!" he yelled randomly. I rolled my eyes, Emmett was as bad of a liar as Bella.

"WHO ELSE IS SLEEPING WITH BELLA?" Edward yelled.

"Me!" Came a hundred different voices from around the house. The most distinct however were Alice and Jasper.

Wow…somebody was kinky. The slut! Sleeping with married men…

"Rose…what happened to your face?" Edward asked, looking at me curiously. What does he mean? Oh well…whatever…at least I heard it helps you lose weight…

!Bella Swan!

Edward had just exited the room, yelling because of something I couldn't hear. Stupid human senses! You're not good enough! Well, I was leaving Edward. The whole "I love you but I don't want you to be a monster and be with me forever" thing just wasn't working for me so I was running off with Jacob Black. We were eloping to Canada. Why Canada? I don't know…I guess because it's the closest. I wanted Jacob to turn me into a werewolf. He told me that it was impossible but I'd find a way. Besides, Edward would be pissed. Haha…this is fun!

As I ran away with Jake, I heard Alice and Jasper giggling uncontrollably, Edward swearing, and Emmett and Rosalie making up. I just loved causing chaos. Besides, it's what I'm good at!

**I know it's completely OOC but it's completely random and so easy to write. I know this wasn't as good as the first chapter. It turns out crystal meth isn't as amusing as I originally thought it was. I'll come up with other illegal substances and such to entertain you next time. Oh my god… I am inspired! I think I'll do blood sports next. Keep in mind, I don't mean to offend anyone. These are actual things I'm interested in. That can't be too good…By the way, New Moon is depressing people all around the world. Strange isn't it? **


	3. Alien Invasions and Peace Potatoes!

**Sorry…hehe…I was just in the moment. Oh, and just so everyone knows, this chapter is dedicated to my friend Jarcy, known to you all as Jarcarga. She is the one of the most awesome people you will ever meet. **

_Esme's P.O.V.:_

Imagine this, a big white cruise ship, complete luxury, hundreds of humans having fun and leaning over the rails trying to look at the waves, and an alien. Wait, what? Yes, there was an alien on the cruise ship. And what, pray tell, does one do when they see an alien on a cruise ship? I'll tell you what I did…

It was mine and Carlisle's 150th anniversary so he took me on a cruise. This particular day happened to be quite foggy so we were able to go up on deck. I had been observing the waves and the humans, simply enjoying myself, when I saw it. It was about four feet tall and it was green. I did a double take. Yes, there really was an alien. Concerned for the poor fellow, I walked up to him and tapped him on the shoulder, determined to set him straight. He could have been a her. Hell, he could've been a he/she for all I knew…

"Um…hello. My name is Esme Cullen and I noticed that you looked rather lost and out of place."

The poor thing just stared at me warily. Aw…I'd frightened it. "You're on the wrong ship. Do you understand? You're supposed to be on a **space **ship not a **cruise** ship. You understand? Space ship sky, cruise ship water down here. Not left, not right, you belong up there.

By now I was gesturing wildly, making something that was alarmingly close to the 'sign-of-the-cross' that Carlisle had taught me a while ago. All of a sudden, my husband, Carlisle, was at my side splashing holy water and begging everyone to believe.

"Believe!" he was screaming, "Jesus loves you!"

That's when it all went wrong. Suddenly, the people started screaming 'it burns' and running in random circles.

Automatically assuming that these people were undergoing the transformation, I went into hysteria and frantically screamed, "Where's the vampire?" at the top of my lungs.

Suddenly Victoria came forward. "Damn it," she said, "How did you find me?"

Confused, I said, "Uh…I don't know. I wasn't actually looking for you."

Looking embarrassed, she ducked back into the crowd saying, "Oh, well then pretend you didn't see me."

I shrugged and immediately went back into hysterics.

"Oh, fuck this shit," someone screamed, "you sprayed fucking Sprite in their eyes. That's why they're screaming."

I knew this voice. "Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, you come out here this instant. Have I taught you no manners? Besides, we knew that, didn't we, honey?"

I looked at my husband. He just ducked his eyes and cleared his throat.

Edward rolled his eyes and mumbled something about crazy old women and their manners. My girls were right; Edward really was a 'party-pooper'.

That's when a shrill voice broke the silence. A voice I knew all too well. "Jake-y! You are such a BAD boy!" Bella screamed.

Edward's enraged roar filled the place.

"Edward!" I chided. "How many times have I told you not to do that? Besides, you need a breath mint! Whew!" I fanned the air in front of my face.

He didn't listen to me though, just kept walking forward. That boy needs to learn some respect.

"Bella? What are you doing?" he asked.

"I'm here with Jake-y. We're running off together to make little werewolf children," she said.

"Bella, how many times do I have to tell you? It is impossible to make any more werewolf children!" Jacob said.

"Tell me why again, honey."

"Because you're not an Indian!" he yelled, exasperated.

"Are…Jake-y, are you racist? Just because I'm not an Indian, I can't have werewolf children?" Actual tears showed in her eyes as she gazed at him.

"No, Bella, honey, it's not like that. Um…well, we can try…" he said, winking suggestively.

"Bella, tell me why I'm not good enough. Tell me why don't love me." This was Edward. Carlisle handed me a bucket of popcorn then. This was becoming a real-life soap opera.

"Because, Jacob makes me feel all warm and fuzzy when he touches me. Besides, you were cheating on me with Alice! That's like incest or something!"

"Bella! That was ONE time! And it isn't incest, we're not related," Edward argued.

"Then why do you have the same last name?"

"Bella…we're adopted."

"Oh…well, whatever. You still cheated on me. I don't trust you."

"Bella, you've slept with over half the guys I know. I learned this the other day," he said. "Well at least she doesn't know about me and Rosalie…" he whispered a little too loud.

"What?" she screamed. "You slept with Rosalie?"

"God, it was almost a hundred years ago. We didn't like each other in bed so that's when she found Emmett and fell in love. I swear there was no emotion involved. I love YOU, Bella Swan."

"I don't love you anymore, Edward Cullen. We're over."

Before she could storm off, however, I came rushing forward with a potato. "Bella, honey, have a potato. It will make everything better."

She took it and immediately came to her senses, rejoining Edward and restoring our family.

At this moment, the alien said, "Screw this! You guys are weird." Then, he proceeded to call his space ship taxi and leave without glancing back.

I didn't even get to ask what gender it was…

Carlisle wrapped his arms around me and offered me a potato. I took it and all was well again.

Remember, potatoes really bring people together…


	4. The Beginning of Halloween Escapades

**Haha, I know people have done this but it never fails to amuse me. Hope you like it. Oh, and before you say anything, yes, I know I'm weird. I like it. **

**Disclaimer: No I do not own Twilight or New Moon and I did not make up the holiday Halloween. I swear, you guys think I'm so old! **

"On a dark, stormy night in a magical place shrouded with mystery, there lived a gallant, handsome, intelligent, strong-willed, courageous…"

"Emmett! Please get n with the story! You're wasting precious time. Time that could be used for important things; things like…SHOPPING!" Alice said excitedly.

"Shopping? What about saving lives and feeding the homeless…you know, stuff like that that…" Bella said in exasperation at how…_shallow_ her best friend could be.

"Um…well, okay…I suppose you could do that," Alice muttered with a dismissive sigh.

"Can I finish my story?" Emmett whined.

"Oh, get over yourself. We're running out of time," Edward grumbled. _Somebody_ was obviously still upset by his girlfriend's previous behavior.

"Whatever, Eddy, let him finish. That way, it'll be over with sooner," Rosalie said, smirking because of the way her brother cringed at the nickname.

"Like I was saying…" Emmett continued in a loud, gruff voice silencing all further discussion. "There was this great guy, a knight. Being so noble and everything, he was appalled that his loyal followers (his 'brothers' and sister, not to mention Bella) and the beautiful princess (obviously Rosalie) asked him to dress as an ogre for the upcoming holiday some called Halloween. Truthfully, he wondered what kind of murderous deeds he had done to make this curse befall him. Though he could not recall doing such deeds, he did their bidding for he could refuse the beautiful princess nothing. And that is how the valiant knight was sentenced off to be a cruel, putrid, ugly, smelly…"

"Emmett" Five voices called out simultaneously, all equally annoyed.

"…ogre. The end," Emmett finished, wiping tears from his eyes to everyone's astonishment. (**A/N: I know that vampires can't cry, but they can't get high either can they? No they can't. Therefore, you have entered my world the moment you clicked on the link to this story. You have been warned; all things are possible.)**

"Emmett, uh, what's wrong?" Jasper asked, genuine concern etched in every word.

"It…it was such a beautiful story…" Emmett sniffed.

Coughs resounded from all corners of the room.

"Okay, so now after Emmett's really, truly, devastatingly, painstakingly, impossibly…"

Edward groaned. "Not this again! Bella had been spending _way_ too much time with Emmett…"

Bella just giggled and continued speaking. "Well the point is, after that _beautiful_ (cough, sarcasm, cough) story, it is now time to begin our midnight, er, evening-almost-night escapades of trick-or-treating with myself and the Cullens on Halloween night. For your amusement and information, I am enclosing a list of our various costumes so I don't have to explain it and because **someone** (cough, Emmett, cough) took so long with that story that I'm literally losing candy."

At this moment, the door slams closed leaving a small white piece of paper and a large gust of wind in its wake.

**List of Costumes For Bella and the Cullens**

Emmett – Ogre

Rosalie – Princess

Alice – Tinkerbell

Jasper – Rock Star (upon urging from Bella and Alice)

Edward – Demon (looks like the sons of Ipswich from The Covenant if you've seen it)

Bella – Buffy the Vampire Slayer (hahahhahahaha)

Esme – Fairy Godmother

Carlisle – Hippie (complete with an afro and bell-bottoms…hahahha)

**Hahhaha okay, so I hope you like it. I'll be posting a chapter for each person and their escapades on Halloween night so stay tuned! **


	5. Shopping for the Perfect Haunted House

**Hello, so Halloween is on October 31st, that gives me 10 days. 10 days to update 8 chapters. Wish me luck! **

_Esme Cullen_

"Carlisle, honey, I'm going to the store to buy some candy and decorations now that the kids are gone," I called out softly once I was sure that my "kids" and Bella were out of earshot. I was going to surprise them.

"Okay, come back soon." He said, looking through his library for scary stories to help me.

I took Carlisle's Mercedes and gunned out of the driveway, reaching 150 mph before I hit the highway. Normally, I didn't drive (especially not this fast) because it was unethical for ladies to drive automobiles back in my time. Actually, when Rosalie joined our family, she taught me how to drive. It was actually pretty exhilarating. For those of you who've watched the "Fast and the Furious" movies, imagine that but add an engine that goes a hundred times faster (courtesy of Rose, of course) and vampire reflexes into the mix. Scary, huh? I pretty much stopped driving after my first off roading experience with Rose, Edward, and Emmett. I love them all as if they're my own children, but that was downright terrifying.

Within ten minutes, I had reached the closest grocery store. Keep in mind, this trip usually took twenty minutes for me but I had been driving extra fast so that I'd have a few hours to set everything u. It had to be absolutely perfect.

I rushed around the store throwing items into the shopping cart almost too fast. Half an hour and 1,000 dollars later, I was ready to go.

As I drove back to the house, I went through a mental checklist to make sure I had everything.

Candy_Check_

Fog machines_Check_

Spider webs_Check_

Mirrors_Check_

Skeletons_Check_

Costumes_Check_

Various other fake costumes_Check_

"Esme? Do you have everything you need?" Carlisle was at the door the moment the Mercedes pulled into the 'driveway'.

"Assuming you've found some truly terrifying tales, yes, I am ready," I replied, raising my eyebrows at him.

After taking a whiff of the scent of my caramel hair and a brief kiss, he helped to unload all the supplies into the house.

For the first time in years, I was glad that human children did not trick-or-treat at our house. I guess it's because our place is too much out of the way. That was my last thought before I busied myself with the project at hand. Carlisle and I were going to make the _perfect_ haunted house to scare the 'children'.


	6. Torture by Form of Challenges

**Now, I just know you guys are curious about the trouble that the younger Cullens (and Bella) have gotten themselves into. I mean, the possibilities are endless. Really, if humans can get themselves into loads of trouble, just image what 5 vampires can do. Poor Bella was dragged into this. BUT, I think this minor thing can be excused because how many of us get a chance to date beautiful, perfect Edward Cullen? See my point?**

**Disclaimer: You're just plain retarded if you haven't realized that I'm not Stephenie Meyer by now. It's okay though, have a Tootsie Roll; Emmett will have plenty by the end of the night. He-he. **

_Emmett Cullen_

Once we had reached town, we began to plan out our route.

"I think we should make this night a _little_ more interesting," I said. I looked around to see everyone's reactions. Rosalie was smirking at Bella evilly. Bella looked absolutely terrified and glanced at Edward for help. Edward put his arm protectively around Bella and pulled her closer, looking concerned for her but more than anything, intrigued. Jasper looked a bit scared, probably because the last time he heard those words the night ended in his humiliation. Alice looked absolutely ecstatic. She had probably seen this coming.

"H…how?" Bella stuttered.

My grin widened. I had just the idea… Bella's face had grown considerably paler since I began smiling. I must remember to lighten up a little bit…

"Come on already, Emmett! You're wasting time!" Rosalie chided.

"Okay, so I took the liberty of coming up with various challenges. We just need to randomly choose who is going to do what. Umm…anyone have a hat?"

Alice mysteriously pulls a hat with folded strips of paper (the challenges) in it from…somewhere. Yes, she had definitely seen this coming.

"I think we should do the challenges in pairs," Edward said wearily, still trying to calm Bella down.

"I agree," Jasper spoke up, looking slightly relieved.

"Hm…" I said, pondering this for a bit. This had potential. If only…"But we have to be in different pairs; we cannot be with our significant others."

"Okay," Alice squealed in excitement. "In an effort to move this along faster, here are the pairs; Bella and Jasper, Rosalie and Edward, and me and Emmett." We all just shrugged and stood next to our partners.

"Now, let's pick our challenges. Who's first?"

We all looked at each other.

"Um…well who's the youngest?"

Everyone looked at Bella who yelled, "In human years, not vampire years!"

We thought about this for a moment and I looked up suddenly, enlightened.

"Edward!" I yelled, searching for him. He was on the outskirts of the group, trying to quietly sneak away. I pulled him back and said, "Now you wouldn't want to leave, would you? The fun is only beginning…"

To the group, I said, "Edward is the youngest. He was seventeen when he was changed. Jasper and I were talking about it the other day…"

Jasper nodded in agreement.

"Mwahahahahaha!" I laughed psychotically. "Edward and Rose, you guys are first."

Edward closed his eyes and with a shaky, pale hand, reached into the hat and grabbed a piece of paper. It read…

**I know, I suck. At least I'll be updating soon. Now review my lovely peoples. I love you. **


	7. Vampire Phonies

**Okay, I know I am so behind on this story. I am really sorry, I truly am. It is way passed Halloween. I suck, I know. Umm…yeah. Okay. I know I say this a whole lot but I'll try to update more and faster. I was just sick for the longest time. Can you believe I'm still sick? Crazy, huh?**

**This is dedicated to both Jarcy & Lee because they seem to like this story a lot. Also, they're really cool.**

**Here we go!!!**

_Rosalie Hale_

It read, "Mug a kid in a vampire costume, steal his/her candy, and scare the hell out of them."

Edward read over my shoulder and turned to Emmett. "What kind of sick person are you?" he asked once he got over the initial shock.

Emmett just laughed and told me to read it aloud. Once I did, there were a bunch of hurried whispers throughout the group.

Edward looked a bit reluctant but I was thrilled. This was going to be so much fun! Hm…I think I obtained this trait from Emmett…

"Don't hurt the poor kid too badly," Bella warned us, looking a bit nervous.

"Off with her head! She is that damned killer of vampires!" I yelled.

"Rosalie?" Jasper asked with an inquisitive look on his face.

"Yeah?"

"That's something Emmett usually says."

"Yes, but today I am a princess so I can say it too."

"Bella," Emmett says pouting, "I thought you loved vampires…"

"I do…This is a costume, Emmett."

"Uh…yeah…I knew that."

I just rolled my eyes and said, "Can we start this already? We wasted five minutes talking about her."

Alice cheered us on quietly from where she was standing as Edward and I moved forward into the cover of the bushes. We were planning an ambush.

"Okay Edward, we're looking for a kid in a vampire costume," I whispered. Edward's eyes suddenly flashed and turned black. "Oh no, Edward are you hungry?"

"Uh…no, why?" he whispered back.

"Your eyes are black," I said pointing.

"Oh, that's a special effect that came with the costume. Haven't you seen 'The Covenant'? It's a great movie; I watched it with Bella the other day…"

"Um…okay. Do you see any vampire kids?"

"No, do you?"

"Eww…all I see are those two kids with weird plastic teeth that look like fangs and have completely fake blood dripping from the sides of their mouths. What the hell are they supposed to be?"

"Rose! They're pretending to be vampires!"

"They know nothing! Vampires don't have fangs!" I huffed, offended by this.

"Oh, whatever, let's go mug them."

I cart wheeled forward until I was a house away from the two nasty fake-vampire kids.

"What did you do that for?" Edward whispered from where I had been not one minute ago.

"Special effects, spying, you know…" I whispered back.

"Oh, okay." He then proceeded to roll across the road in a very James Bond like fashion. Apparently he didn't put much force into it because he ended up stopping in the middle of the road. I heard the humans' shouts of fury and fear as they slammed onto the breaks to avoid hitting him. This made me roar with laughter.

Quickly, I composed myself as Edward came up next to me and the kids came closer.

On their way to the door, they yelled, "Trick or Treat!"

Seeing my chance, I strolled up behind them and put on the ski mask that I…uh…keep in my pocket. "Yo, this is a hold-up. Put down the candy and keep your hands where I can see them!" I yelled.

Edward scratched his head and took out his toy light saver. He tossed one to me and said, "Use the force, Luke."

"Where did you get the light savers?" I asked, brandishing mine like a sword.

"I found these under Bella's bed one night. I figured since she wasn't using them…"

"Oh, okay. Back to the task at hand!" I handed a kid a light saver and took the other one in my arms. Then I screamed, "Scare me!"

"What the fuck is going on?" This voice came from behind me.

It was a big guy with this HUGE dog. He was holding a baseball bat. Whimpering, I let go of the kid and ran for my life, hoping that the dog wouldn't ruin my dress.

When I reached the rest of the group, I started to come up with a strange story. "So I saw these vampire kids…and uhh…they bit this dog. Yeah, it was pretty creepy. So they tear the dog to streads and I take their candy but I dropped it on the way over and…"

That's when Edward interrupted me. "Rosalie, why did you run away from the poodle?"

"Poodle? Hell no, that dog was huge and ferocious."

"No, it was dressed as a pit bull."

Silence greeted me then.

Edward and Jasper began to roar with laughter, Alice getting a few giggles in here and there. Emmett didn't laugh and I silenced any attempts at laughter that Bella might have with one of my icy-cold glares.

"He stole your light savers!" I screamed out of nowhere.

"How could you Edward? Luke Skywalker was my favorite. I thought you loved me!" Here she bursts into tears mumbling incoherent things but you could make out 'Star Wars' and something about 'Obi Wan'…

Ignoring her I huffed, "Who's next?"

We all looked at each other again.

"Rock, paper, scissors?" Jasper proposed at last. After a few rounds of 'rock, paper, scissors' and shouts of 'You're cheating' and 'How can you cheat with this game?' Jasper and Bella emerged as the winners.

I laughed psychotically and pushed the hat toward them. Jasper grabbed a piece of paper as Bella was in no condition to make any move whatsoever.

He read aloud. "Go to Mike Newton's party and act like a deranged, strange copy of the character you are dressed as."

Bella paled and Jasper looked absolutely terrified. Those innocent people were in for a big surprise…

**Hehe this was kind of lame. Oh well…I'll do better. We have…uh…five more chapters to go about this topic. Sorry it's so late. **


	8. An Event To Remember

**Okay, I know I said I wasn't going to update for a while and I wouldn't until I finished the whole story but being me, I'm going back on what I said because this is just too amusing _not_ to share. READ AND REVIEW PLEASE! Oh, and I'll be doing my best to finish the story soon. **

**I Love You, You Hate Me, I Hope You'll Forgive Me, With A Great New Chapter, As My Gift To You, Please tell me you'll read and review. **

**Haha…umm I'm so sorry…I can't even begin to say how sorry. Thanks for reading and reviewing still. It really means a lot. **

**This is dedicated to all of you who read and review this. Random insanity is wonderful, don't you agree?**

**Disclaimer: I do not mean to offend any fans or the author of Twilight and New Moon and future books in the series, Stephenie Meyer. **

_Jasper Hale_

This was absolutely, positively, without a doubt the worst moment of my life. This was even worse than my last humiliation. This was _Mike Newton's_ party. How could they think of something so cruel?

This was cruel. Wait…how did Emmett know the word deranged, let alone use it correctly?

Edward chuckled softly at this thought. _Save me, Edward!_ I tried to think at him.

He shook his head slightly and laughed. He was feeling incredibly amused right now. The traitor!

They all wouldn't budge even after my insistent begging that they choose something else, anything else. This wasn't good. From the moment Emmett had gotten that mischievous gleam in his eye and had suggested we go trick-or-treating about a month ago, I knew this wouldn't be a good idea. I even tried to protest. But then he got my wife to work against me. Damn…I'm weak!

Okay, well I might as well get on with the challenge right? Maybe doing this the fastest I possibly could would make it less painful or embarrassing. I took a deep breath and followed Bella into the party. The others were waiting outside upon urging from Alice and their insisting that this was _our_ challenge alone and we shouldn't have a chance to somehow involve them in this. Evil, I tell you!

"Bella, Bella, Bella!" I heard an annoying voice call out. Oh, it was the host of the extravagant party himself, the self-righteous Mike Newton. Let's just say that even though I pitied him for his infatuation with Bella, there really was no love lost between the two of us.

"Hiiiiii Mike!" Bella drawled out, batting her eyelashes. She then erupted in a fit of giggles. What was she _doing_?

He just laughed and went off to get her a beer. Looking around, I surveyed the room, taking in the large keg in the corner, the 'hot' music, and the sweaty teenagers who were all dressed up and acting like they loved each other. I hadn't been to a party in a really long time and judging by this, I'd say I wasn't really missing much.

"Hi," a girl called out boldly. She had been staring at me from somewhere to my right along with all her friends. I smiled back at them and they began to giggle self-consciously.

"Hey, I'd like to thank you all for coming!" Mike's voice boomed out from a microphone he had set up on a make-shift stage. Wait…was that connected to a karaoke machine. Oh crap, this was going to get bad, I could already tell.

The rules of the challenge stated that we were not permitted to leave the house until we'd been there for an hour and a half. No…I still had…an hour and twenty minutes left. Damn, only ten minutes passed…

"Are you guys ready to really party?" he yelled. The crowd around him pushed in closer as if they couldn't hear him fine from here. They screamed at the top of their lungs and I had to clap my hands over my ears in an effort to keep from losing my mind. This was torture, pure torture!

"Then let's do it!" he yelled again but before he could continue, I saw a girl whisper something to him but she was too short to be seen from where I was standing.

"Oh, hold on, we have a request from the amazing Bella Swan. You guys all know her right? Come up here, Bella." He waved her up there and she went up, blushing and giggling the whole time.

"Hey Bella, what are you dressed as for the night?" Mike asked, pressing in extra close to her. He played it off like he was only being a good, welcoming party host but I knew what he was really doing.

"Sure," she said. Then into the microphone, she said, "I'm Buffy the Vampire Slayer and my friend who I brought here," she said gesturing towards the audience…wait, no, she was pointing at me…oh no… "Jasper Hale, you should know him. Well, he is dressed as a rock star and he has volunteered to be the entertainment for the moment. Say it with me. JASPER! JASPER! JASPER! JASPER!"

Momentarily frozen in my spot, I felt a few guys from Forks' equivalent of a high school football team lift me up onto their shoulders and propel me towards the stage. I couldn't do this…no…How could Bella do this to me? I couldn't do anything to get away now or else I'd reveal that my family and I were vampires. For a moment, I considered this. No, I couldn't do that…that would be bad. But it's so tempting…

When I reached the stage, she handed me the microphone with a giggle and a wink and it was then that I smelled the remnants of some type of drug or other. No wonder she was so daring and outgoing…I'd have to blame my wife for this one…

This was the least of my problems now, however. With the microphone in my hands, it was then that I realized that I barely knew any songs from this century. Oh crap…that was an unforeseen development. When Mike asked me what I wanted, I replied that I didn't care and he put it out the 'Shuffle' mode and the song was chosen.

Wearily, I looked up to wear the screen was set up to see what fate had in store for me. Oh no…I've heard this song before…Oh shit. I should've chosen a song. Anything would've been better than this.

As the beginning chords began to play, the crowd quieted down, and waited for me to start singing.

When it was my cue, I opened my mouth and sang.

"_I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world, life in plastic, it's fantastic. You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere…Imagination, life is your creation." _

Some guys in the back started coughing to disguise their chuckles but it wasn't doing them any good. Let's just say my imitation of Aqua wasn't too good…Pretty soon the whole crowd was practically rolling on the floor laughing. I would've been beet red if I were human right now.

I drew the line after singing, "_I'm a blonde, bimbo girl in a fantasy world…"_

"New song, please!" I yelled into the microphone. I quickly scanned the crowd and saw Bella gazing at me with amusement in her mischievous eyes. Oh, I was going to get her back for this one…right after I sang something that wouldn't cause people to piss their pants…er…costumes. I saw Bella guzzle down a glass of beer and ask for another…Wow, I didn't know she could do that. But then again, I didn't know she was a slut, cheater, and a druggie until recently so…I guess you could say she's a mystery.

Since I doubted that the karaoke machine would have a song that I knew and I didn't want to try the 'Shuffle' mode again, I just sang into the microphone.

"_I had months to write a song, that captured who you are. But I fear I have done you wrong because I've failed you, oh, so far. The chord that stuck, an angel fell. The sky went dark and it all comes down. The choices made, the lies forgotten. Oh, well…" _

I finished "Say The Word" by The Classic Crime, one of my favorite songs of the moment, and walked gracefully off the stage.

I can't say I was half bad…okay, well the "Barbie Girl" thing was a catastrophe but oh well. I couldn't have really prevented that.

After I walked off the stage, I was immediately flanked by sweaty, hysterical teenage fans. So this was how it felt to be a celebrity…let's just say that you aren't really missing anything other than a few pieces of your garments that are ripped off you by screaming fans…The emotion of this crowd made me feel excited immediately. Damn…now they'd be following me around school. As if I didn't have other things to worry about…

Suddenly I got my own cruel idea. I could use my newfound popularity to get back at them. I could get revenge on all of them. Faintly, I began to chuckle to myself. Hahahaha….

I had been telling an anxious group of about twenty people various embarrassing stories about myself and Bella. Oh, this was so good. Their favorites for each person were:

**Emmett** – The time he fell out of a tree at some park one time because a five year old kid walked up and said "Boo". Emmett had screamed and lost his balance.

**Rosalie** – There was this one time when she was bending down behind one of our cars to lace up her boot and Edward, in a hurry to go hunting so he could get back to Bella, backed up the car, hit her and she fell face first into the mud behind the car. (I didn't tell them that the car actually ran her over because they'd get suspicious.) That wasn't even the best part though. So, Rosalie turns over and starts screaming at Edward because now her outfit _and_ her hair had been ruined. She looks up, still yelling, and this bird poops right into her mouth. It was freaking hilarious.

**Edward – **Once, and not even Bella knew about this one, Emmett and I made Edward streak down the main street in Seattle, Washington so that he could have his phone in order to talk to Bella. It was so funny, especially since it was really early in the morning and he received disgusted looks from the loads of old ladies that he passed by. One even smacked him with her purse…Oh, did I mention that when he got to the busiest spot, we put on some music and made him do the hockey pokey. Needless to say, it was definitely worth it.

I was about to tell one about Bella when I heard a shrill scream. "JAASSSSSPER!!!" I heard Bella yell. Oh no…what was going on now?

She had attracted quite a crowd around her so I calmly picked myself up and walked over to her. "Yes, Bella?" I stared at her. She looked pretty tipsy.

"What are yooooou dooooing?" she asked and began giggling.

"Telling secrets," I said, nonchalant. I doubted she'd remember this, she looked that far away.

"OH MY GOD, YOU TOLD EVERYONE THAT YOU'RE A VAMPIRE?" she screamed.

"Uh…no…"I said, shaking my head.

Even in this state, she seemed to catch her mistake. "Oh…uh…(giggle)…that's good…since…uh…you're (giggle)…not." Oh, she was a _great_ (cough, sarcasm, cough) liar.

"And now for the highlight of the party…" Mike called out, coming up to the table. He was now dressed in a vampire costume, a great improvement to his old superhero costume I'd say.

"OH MY GOD! IT'S A VAMPIRE!" Bella yelled then leaped from her spot and attempted to do a series of flips and kicks. Let's just say she didn't get very far. We all knew about her lack of grace but in her drunken state, it was even worse. She collapsed in a giggling heap at my feet.

"OOOH! LET ME AT HIM! I AM BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER! I SHALL SLAAAAYYYY YOUUUUU!"

I didn't even try to restrain her, this was too amusing. All of a sudden, she turns around and yells at me, "YOU'RE A VAMPIRE TOO! ADMIT IT! YOU KNOW YOU AAARRREEE!!!"

"No I'm not," I say, slightly chuckling. This was more than a little awkward…

All of a sudden, she takes out this whip and a rubber knife (since Edward doesn't let her hold sharp objects) and begins whipping and "stabbing" both Mike and myself. She was shrieking and babbling incoherently the whole time until she tripped on her foot and collapsed onto the floor.

She kept trying to get up and do more moves but eventually just settled for yelling from the floor.

"YOU'RE A VAMPIRE! JUST LIKE JASPER AND EDWARD AND ALICE AND ROSALIE AND…."

At this point, I covered her mouth. Looking at the audience that had accumulated, I just laughed uneasily and made an off-hand remark about the strange things people say when they're drunk.

I glanced at the clock and realized that our time was up, we had completed our challenge.

I picked Bella up and began to carry her outside but not before yelling loudly, "Oh my god! There's a freaking stalker outside the window! Holy shit! It's Edward Cullen!"

Then I casually walked outside and stepped away from the main opening while a mass amount of drunken kids ran after Edward, yelling and swearing at him. Oh, revenge felt so good.

I put Bella down against the side of the house where Alice, Emmett, and Rosalie were squatting and clutching their sides because the laughing hurt so much.

"Okay, we did it," I said. "Now it's your turn."

Bella, Rosalie, and I all looked menacingly at the dynamic duo, Emmett and Alice, the most imaginative and scariest when in this mood of us all.

Suddenly, Alice went into a vision. "Oh my god, Jasper. You did _not_ tell them stories about our embarrassing moments…"

Chuckling, I was amused by the horrified look on my lovely wife's face and could only imagine what she had seen. Judging by her reaction, it wasn't too good.

Emmett had already reached into the hat and was reading the slip of paper by this time, eager to complete his challenge. All of a sudden, however, his face changed from excited and amused to simply terrified. That could only mean one thing…

He had chosen the challenge that Rosalie, Edward, Bella, and I had created and slipped into the hat while they weren't looking. Oh, this was going to be _so_ good. Sweet, sweet revenge.

**Hahahhahahaha…okay, I haven't written anything for this in a while so please don't get too mad at me. It wasn't unbelievably funny this time around and I'm sorry for that. Halloween was so long ago…This is the longest chapter I've ever written for this story. Oh, hell yeah! I rock! This is three pages longer than my longest chapter for Psycho Alert! Yes!!! Review please! **


	9. Spiderman on the Space Needle?

**Ah yes, well I'm updating everything. ) Sorry that Halloween was so long ago…I really don't know where this is going…hmm…Well, I guess we'll just have to see. **

Emmett Cullen

"I am going to kill them," I muttered quietly to Alice for the hundredth time that night.

"Oh shut up already. Whose stupid idea was this anyway? Oh yeah...I believe it was yours. You douche bag! What the hell is your problem?" she huffed.

"Yeah, yeah, get over that already. You have to admit their challenges were incredibly interesting though!"

"**This **is **NOT **worth it, Emmett!" she yelled at me, gesturing at what she was wearing. I would've been rolling on the floor laughing if it wasn't for the fact that I was wearing something equally embarrassing if not more.

This went way beyond anything we'd had them do. This was NATIONAL NEWS! How could they be so heartless? Yes, you heard me. We were being recorded, live. Why, you ask? Alice was currently dressed in a Spiderman suit and she was trying to save me. Well, that's what the reporters think. Do you see the injustice here? I know I do.

Anyway, Alice's task was to climb up the building and pretend she has super spidey powers and then she had to save me when I jumped. Yes everyone, I was jumping off the Space Needle in Seattle, Washington in front of who knows how many people. My family was insane.

Right now, Alice was climbing. I wasn't supposed to jump until they called me with the signal.

Uh oh. My phone was vibrating in my pocket. I deliberating not answering it but then I decided that getting the challenge over with faster was more promising. "Beware of the potato sausage…" the voice said, sounding as if the person was trying to contain their laughter.

I guess that means it's time to jump. "Okay Alice," I whispered, "one…two…three!" With that I launched myself off the top of the space needle. Hmm…I wonder how Alice was going to catch me. Oh crap…

I heard a lot of people screaming under me as I fell but I paid no attention to them. I guess this was it. I was going to be gone forever…I might as well do something that I've always wanted to do. Suddenly, I launched into a loud chorus of "Sixteen Going On Seventeen" from The Sound of Music and a large beam of light shone on me from…somewhere.

The whole crowd panicked suddenly and the mood changed. They seemed to be yelling something…

"Bop it!" they seemed to scream. Umm…okay. Suddenly I pulled out my toy 'Bop it' from my inside jacket pocket and proceeded to 'bop it', 'push it', and 'squeeze it'. That toy had very…nice terms. Hehe…

Suddenly I had an idea. I'd sing "A Whole New World" from Aladdin! I mean…it's only perfect; I'm already flying…or falling…either way.

"_Unbelievable sights…indescribable feeling…lalalalala through an endless diamond sky. Go screw that monkeyyyyy!" _

Hm…the words didn't sound completely right. Dammit! I was confusing the normal version with this version I'd heard once…hmm…what were those words?

I was falling, still pondering this when I felt something hit me flat in the back. Appalled, I looked down, trying to find the source of this. Suddenly, it happened again. Soon enough, I was being bombarded with strange objects. "Oh my god! This is it! I'M GONNA DIE!" I screamed.

I distinctly heard the sound of my brothers laughing as I did this. I turned and caught one of the objects in my hands. Oh my…holy crap…it couldn't…no…oh my god…it was…a…POTATO SAUSAGE!

Who the hell comes up with these monstrosities?? What kind of sick person would do that? "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I screamed. "It burns!!!"

Who honestly combines a sausage with a potato? That's just…wrong…

Suddenly, I was pulled up to where I had been dangling…oh…so I hadn't been falling. Who knew? And I wouldn't have died either…oh well…

Alice, or should I say Spiderman (insert snicker here), had saved the day and this is the story that the National Nightly News broadcasted about a suicidal and rather large boy (who happened to love musicals and Disney movies of course) who had tried to jump off the Space Needle.

**Stay tuned….we have the haunted house coming up. I believe that the Halloween Escapades are finally coming to a close. I wonder what everyone else thinks about the boy who was falling off the Space Needle…Hehehe…Sorry it wasn't the best. **


	10. AuthorsNote, so sorry

**Hello Everyone! **

**I know, I know, this is exceptionally cruel writing an author's note like this but please, just listen. **

**Okay, first I would like to apologize. I know you haven't heard from me in quite a while. I am in the process of writing the next few chapters for each of my stories actually and I felt the need to give you an update about that. For further information and news about anything having to do with my fan fics, I created a LiveJournal. Let me know if you have one as well! Oh, you'll find the link on my profile. **

**I truly am sorry and I hope that you will all give me one more chance and continue reading my story. Each and every one of your reviews means a lot to me as well as the fact that you take the time to read this. Expect to hear from me a lot in the very near future seeing as I am lining up quite a lot of chapters and updates for you guys. Making up for lost time, you know. **

**Thanks so much for listening! **

**EmoDre **


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